This post was
meant to be an eyebrow tutorial, but I feel like recent events need to be taken
into account. All I can say is RIP,
America. You brought us so many
wonderful things: Anastasia Beverly Hills, Colourpop, Reese’s, Starbucks and
Channing Tatum. Your contribution to the
lifestyle and entertainment community will be sorely missed.
On the other
hand, South Africa is finally going to get Charlize Theron back. I’m sure 7de Laan will snap her up.
Therefore, I
have compiled for you today a spectacular list of beauty and fashion essentials
you will undoubtedly need in the upcoming apocalypse.
Any form of black garment (if it’s leather
and hooded, even better)
Just
watch any post-apocalyptic action thriller.
Do you see women gallivanting through desert wastelands in pink skater
skirts and cute crop tops? Nope. In the
post-apocalyptic era, you’re going to have to show how tough you are if you
want that last sip of water before moving on to the next town to pillage and
destroy. Think Rihanna á la “Run this
Town” music video with Jay Z and Kanye.
Black
is essential. America replaced black
with orange AND LOOK WHAT IS HAPPENING!
Black is badass. Black is tough. Black is also slimming. You can’t look chunky in the apocalypse. You’ll be the first one eaten in the village
when food runs out. This is survival of
fittest, ladies. Take a look at my mood
board below (made on Polyvore).
Black eyeliner
Obviously
to match your all-black-err’thing-ensemble.
You can do wings, you can smudge for a smoky eye, you can do war paint,
nothing is impossible with a smidge of black eyeliner and a bucket load of
attitude.
I
personally am a very disloyal eyeliner consumer. For wings, I only use gel eyeliner. My favourite at the moment is LA Girl Gel
Eyeliner (Dischem, R59.95). For
Halloween this year, this gel liner was pretty much Julian’s entire makeup look
(I did a half skull gradient on his face; you can check it out on
Instagram).
For
my waterlines, I prefer a pencil or kohl, like Essence Longlasting Eye Pencil
in Black Fever (Clicks, R29,95). These
would be easier for the war paint look, if you choose to be a post-apocalyptic
BAMF with Joker-like faux tattoos on your face.
For Julian’s Halloween look, in retrospect, I actually should have used
a pencil liner or something to outline his look before I went in guns
blazing.
Water
It
is often said that the next world war will not be fought over land or political
ideals, but over water. Well, I suggest
you start stockpiling now because nothing is worse for your skin than
dehydration. Basically, your skin is an
organ and is composed of cells. Cells
are made of water. When you lose large quantities
of water (aka dehydration), your skin cells dry out. There is nothing attractive about dry, flaky
skin. Get ready for the apocalypse by
getting yourself a cute bottle now and sip, sip, sip. I found these beauties on Polyvore too.
Skincare
This
may be more of a luxury item for normal people (during the apocalypse, that is),
but regardless of how broke I am in a month, I always find the cash for skincare, if I run out. I am a devout Clinique Three-Step girl, with
a little bit of extras (eye cream!) in the morning. From today, I fully plan on stockpiling
Clinique for the apocalypse because I just cannot run out. I cannot.
Assuming
the post-apocalyptic era is going to be a desert wasteland (which is my
expectation because that’s what happens when you give an idiot nuclear codes),
your moisturiser is going to be your best friend. It may need a little help though and I cannot
give any higher recommendation than Bio-Oil (Dischem, R169,95 for 200ml). Bio-Oil is gold. I add a few drops to the water I wash my face
with in the evening, which is fine in summer.
In winter, though, I add a few drops to my moisturiser in the
evening.
Sunscreen. We may not have a sun after DJT blows us all
to shit because Putin made fun of his tan can (in which case, we’d be dead any
way), but nobody can deny the necessity of sunscreen, even now. Make sure that the sunscreen you buy is a
broad spectrum (that means it protects against both UVA and UVB rays) and is
designed for your face so that you don’t block your pores. Clinique’s Sun range is superb and has a
Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Sunscreen Face Cream (R335.00) that is light as a feather
on your face. Yes, it is steep, but
worth every cent!
Anti-perspirant
Desert
wasteland = Sweaty Betty. Don’t be that
girl.
Nail kit (like tweezers, cuticle scissors,
files, etc)
Where
do you think your manicurist is going to be during the apocalypse? Definitely not at the salon, business as
usual. You’re on your own here. If you can’t find a cute kit in the stores or
online, make your own with the essentials.
Besides, those cuticle scissors are going to come in handy when you have
to shank a bitch in the water/food queue.
Multivitamins and Biotin
When
DJT destroys the planet and it becomes as arid as Mars, where do you think we’re
going to get food from? How will you get
your superfood smoothies that give your skin its radiance and your hair its
lustre? We’re going to be living on
gummy vitamins just to get all the nutrients we need in a day. Your skin and hair are the first to suffer
when you lack anything, so prepare yourselves and start stocking up.
While a lot of
this has been said in jest, I hope some of these tips help you in your beauty
quest (for survival).
Let me be
perfectly clear: I am supremely anti-Trump.
I am not, however, pro-Clinton.
Honestly, I think America was going to be screwed either way. As someone who comes from a country with a
severely corrupted government and an idiot president, I am really in no
position to judge.
At least Trump
can count.
xxx
Title photo
credit: mrwallpaper.com
Product photos credit: respective brand websites