If you’re here for beauty today, I’m
sorry to tell you that this is not about what you can put on your face. This post is not about contouring or any new
products on the market or any Halloween looks.
This post is about the last two months of my life and what I’ve learnt
from it.
Two months ago marked the end of an
era. I broke up with the man I thought I
would marry.
Just so we’re clear, this post is not
to blacken his name or give you all the details of what happened. This post is why I did what I did and what I’ve
learnt from the experience.
But let’s start at the very
beginning. Julian and I were in the same
grade in the same high school for five straight years and never encountered
each other. I clearly remember seeing him
on the first day of grade 8, after being herded onto the tennis courts like
nervous cattle, and thinking that he was the most beautiful boy I had ever
seen. Alas, Fate had another plan and we
only connected five years after high school.
Our attraction was instant. Julian never really asked me to be his
girlfriend. He asked me to be his wife
within a week of speaking on Facebook.
From there, he asked me on numerous occasions. I allowed myself to get totally swept up in
the whirlwind romance and agreed that I would eventually marry him.
Ladies (and gentlemen), that was the
biggest mistake of my life. Don’t get me
wrong, I don’t regret a single moment spent with Julian. However, in my vulnerability, I should not
have allowed myself to trust and invest so much of myself all at once. I knew I loved him almost instantly, but I
was a fool to believe that we could speak of a lifelong commitment so early in
our relationship.
The problem with investing so much of
yourself so quickly is that you set yourself up to be constantly
disappointed. I put an enormous amount
of pressure on Julian to meet the expectations we had both created at the
outset of our relationship. We share
equal portions of the blame.
Obviously I’m hurt that Julian continually
broke his promise to marry me. I’m hurt
that he let me plan a wedding almost every year for the entire time we were
together. I’m hurt that he always found
the most feeble of excuses every time to back out. I’m hurt that he didn’t ever stand up for
himself and tell me where he was in terms of getting married, so as not to
constantly raise my expectations and then disappoint me. I’m hurt that despite all the soul-destroying
shit he put me through for five years, he told me that he didn’t think he’d
ever be in a position to marry me.
I’ll be the first to admit that I was
selfish for leaving him. I put my needs
before his for the first time in five years and I made the decision to pursue
my own plan for my life, regardless of what it cost me. Walking away was the most difficult thing I
have ever done and I am so proud of myself for finding my own voice and doing
what was best for me.
You see, I’ve realised how wrong we as
human beings are for talking about our “other or better halves”. We are not halves of anything. We are complete on our own – we do not need
anyone else to fill the void we may feel.
We may be broken and battered and bruised, but there is nothing missing
from us. Nothing is missing: we just can’t
find it amongst the ruins of ourselves.
I’ve lost the love of my life and I
don’t know if I’ll ever experience a love like that again. But I have found a new version of
myself. A version who doesn’t rely on
anyone else for her happiness. A version
who does not need someone to hold her hand to do anything. I’ll do whatever I want all by myself if I
need to, because I am a strong, independent woman who operates on her own
terms. More importantly, I found that I love
myself most and that’s the greatest discovery a person could ever make.
Wishing you all the love and light of
the universe, until next time ♡♡♡