So I’m going to have a go at this
story time blog post because my life could quite literally be described as a
Comedy of Errors and sometimes it’s just not fair to laugh uncontrollably at my
own poor choices on my own.
The most difficult part of this,
however, is not opening up some of my most cringey moments to the world. Rather, it’s just picking what I should talk
about first. On the brightside, I have
learnt to not be embarrassed by pretty much anything. I mean, some days my greatest achievement is
not shitting my pants in public. That
story will be saved for next time.
I think I will start with the craziest
part of my life right now: Tinder. Guys,
if there was a place where dating hopes and dreams go to die, it is
Tinder. I’m not bashing the 2% of guys I
met who are actually lovely people at all – it’s the 98% that I have a problem
with. My first Tinder date was so bad, I
actually deleted the app for a week. Let
me give you a little summary of my experiences so far.
Bachelor #1
Bachelor #1 is a keen businessman who
could smell a R5 coin in the septic tank of a yak farm in Nepal from his
perfectly decorated flat with super expensive artwork in Johannesburg. He’s smoother than cream cheese and video messages the object of his
affection throughout the day to tell her about how he just collected his brand
new Range Rover after trading in the SLK.
Other things he likes to do include
ordering food for his date at a Mexican restaurant (yes, Mexican, where queso is not optional), straddling
benches in order to reach the hair and/or leg of his date while she is eating
and negging her while asking her what she thinks of his physical build.
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| Sorry about the f-bomb, Mom! |
Hands down the worst part of the date
was when he, I shit you not, reached over, grabbed a roll on my stomach and
told me that I really should do more cardio.
The date ended with him telling me
that he didn’t think he’d call me again because I had been so cold towards
him. I WONDER WHY!?
This is why #feminism
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #2’s profile is that of a
gorgeous personal trainer whose bio makes him look like there’s something
between his ears too (uncommon for a large portion of personal trainers, let’s
be honest).
Let me tell you what’s between his
ears: MADNESS. I thought I was the
clingy girl with psycho tendencies (which turned out to be my ex trying to hide
the fact that he was cheating again, but any way). This guy is insane.
So first, he gets upset that I’m going
on a Tinder date with someone else the day I met him. I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to tell him,
but I’m an honest person. What I can say? He told me that he only focuses on one girl
at a time and he would never go on a date with someone else while he was
talking to me. Apparently this was not a
joke.
So we postpone our date because his
mother is in hospital and all of that, because I am an understanding human
after all. The next day I get this
message out of the blue: “I just don’t want to rush things”. So I’m like “what?” and then he’s like “oh,
gosh, I’ve been having this conversation with the wrong Melissa”.
Hold up. This bitch wants to tell me not to talk to
other guys but he can have conversations with other girls who understand
exactly what’s going on? Uh uh. So I just ignore him from that point on
because I know who I am (#queen).
A week later I get an sms from an
unknown number, saying something like “I found your twin, just better” and I
replied “who is this?” because I know no body has found anyone better than
me. Also, I love taking the wind out of
sails.
Well...
Maybe two weeks later is when the
gates of Hades burst open and the Kraken was truly released. This guy messaged me non-stop for an hour
about how I had mistreated him and he was, the better ‘secure’ man, because
here he was wishing me all the best for the future and he hopes I’m happy with
all the guys I’ve been seeing.
You would think blocking him would
solve the problem, but no. Then I’m
getting phone calls. So I blocked him on
Truecaller. Then I get texts (that cost
real money – clearly he was upset) along the lines of “never chase a
whore”. So I blocked those too.
Is it over? NO!
This guy got his friend in Cape Town to call me and try to speak to
me. I mean, I spoke to him for less than
a week, ignored him for a few and then all of a sudden this? Like I said: absolute madness.
Bachelor #3
Poor Bachelor #3 never even made it
past chatting on Tinder.
I’ll be honest, I feel a little sorry
for this guy. I think he was trying to
be cute, but it just came off totally bizarre.
Long story short, he asked if he could
move into my home with his litterbox.
Litterbox? According to him, he’s
not house trained yet.
Like I said, I thought he was trying
to be cute, so I totally went down that twisted road with my dark sense of
humour. I casually replied that he would
be most welcome to, provided he didn’t mind being sacrificed to Satan on the
full moon, like the rest of our family pets.
I thought he’d unmatch me, but then he
ended up saying something super weird about him having a period or something
similar and I unmatched him. We can
laugh at Satanic rituals and doing our business in litterboxes, but we don’t
joke about periods. Those are real
bitches.
For the purposes of not keeping you
here too long, I’ve summarised some of the other guys in a few key words from
their texts:
“Can I play with your feet?”
“Please walk on my stomach”
“How are you? I’m so horny, I don’t
know what to do”
“Tinder miscalculated my age”
[disclaimer: one of these guys is actually really nice]
“So can I see a naughty photo?”
Me: Pretty sure he’s engaged to someone else...
The list goes on. I honestly wish I’d sent those texts to their
mothers.
If you’re on Tinder (or Bumble), share
your experiences with me in the comments or on my socials. If you’re not, thank your lucky stars. I have resigned myself to the single life for the foreseeable future.
Until next time, love and light ♡♡♡